Everybody hurts – this is the experience of my last two months where my consciousness pointed me towards my own hurt feelings. I hadn’t expected me to still carry so much pain within – or having had that accumulated. Those everyday life situations carried so much pain that I could have started crying immediately – in some cases I did, in some I did not. But what I did was to allow the pain to happen, to observe it and to love me and my hurt feelings as best as I could.
What I can see when observing it, is that my hurt made me build walls around my heart. Walls, that kept me from connecting deep with other people again – in fear of getting hurt – again. They made me hard and dull on myself and others.
I remember situations in kindergarten and school where I felt not fitting and not wanting to fit in. In adultery it hurt when former friends turned their back on me or talked bad of me when I did not fit into their lives of trendy cliques and „cool“ behaviour of cheering the right people and ditching the wrong ones. At that time I was not conscious to acknowledge all that pain – so I blocked it out – and the walls came up.
Same for falling in love. I did not go for any men that I could fall deeply in love with – as this would have meant that I could have been hurt deeply, too.
Pain derives from expectations we have in others. Expectations in others to love us. If the other person can’t fulfil this need (and actually nobody can other than ourselves), we feel hurt. We feel hurt because the other person might have inflicted its own pain on us – in our need for love.
So I kept building wall after wall – until I discovered my love of self. Love of self then has the power to shatter all these walls. The more love there is, the more all these walls just vanish.
Its the knowingness that despite any situation in my life where I feel hurt, it is just the expectation I have in others that offers the chance for this pain to enter my life.
So no-one can hurt me but myself. And with love of self, I have the ability to let my heart be open.
